Image by Frank Kehren via FlickrWhen I was a child, the first traumatic loss I remember having was when my grandmother passed away. The world was almost surreal as I saw adults sobbing, and in utter despair, adults that I never saw crying, were crying. At her wake I remember gazing down on this person that was supposed to be my grandmother, and feeling like this person could not have been my grandmother. You sense the soul is departed, even as a child...I knew my grandmother was not lying in that coffin. However, I also remember being struck at how much my grandmother would have hated being stared at that way. She was an extremely modest woman, and even at my young age, I knew she would not have liked to have a wake or open casket.I remember feeling so much guilt about how rotten I was toward her when she came to stay with us. The guilt I felt I carried for many a year thereafter. My grandmother was an unworldly person, by that I mean, she was someone that never gave in to the weaknesses of man. She never spoke ill of anyone, and that is a rare trait to see. She was a dignified, humble, modest and loving person, that did not show you love through words but through deed. A rock in my mothers life as well.
After she passed, I remember taking a walk with my friend in my neighborhood, when I happen to glance over at a glider type swing in someone's yard, and there she was, lying in one of her outfits, (grand mama was a sharp dresser and even made her own clothes). She was lying in this swing, resting peacefully. Her distinctive white hair, white blouse, and blue vest and slacks, even her white pumps...were all confirmation this was her. The truest validation was that my friend, who knew my grandmama and saw her on occasion, also confirmed it was her. I don't think I ever told my mother about this sighting..but more importantly I received what I believe was the underlying message, grandmama was at peace, and I guess this is what I wanted to know.
For years I had recurring dreams of going to their house for Sunday dinner, and all was as it was before she passed. In my dream I was a child relieved. Grandmama was still here, she did not die, and then the crushing disappointment when I'd awaken..I feel when our loved ones pass on, they do things to reassure us, they can and do visit us in our dreams. My grandmother probably knew of my immense guilt, and probably brought reassurance through my dreams, and the sighting of her on a neighbors swing was just to let me know, that she was at peace and by her being at peace I could be at peace too.
